The Pity Party

Have you ever had one of those days? You know the day where you are hosting your very own pity party, and you are the only RSVP? A pity party once in a while won't shake the universe, but what happens when your party turns into a lifestyle?

Akin to a eating or drinking binge, the never-ending pity party just wears on you. It wears on your soul, wears on your family and friends. It makes your skin ugly, and causes you to miss out on a great deal in life.

How do you shake the need for pity? It all depends on several factors.

- Did you recently experience loss? Loss of a loved one? Loss of a home? Loss of a job?

Sudden loss can take you into a serious abyss of darkness from which you think recovery is impossible. If you had many gather around you during this time, and you received plenty of attention and comfort, you may find that you like that space. That is not really a pity party. Grief is serious, and we will take that up in another article.

- How about a break up? Daily phone calls to everyone and anyone that would listen to your woes. This probably made you feel better and more secure.

- Are you so involved in your child's school, that when summer break comes, you barely know what to do with yourself? Were you identifying yourself by what you do as a volunteer?

- Are you the go to person for every problem in the universe, and suddenly no one needs your help?

- Did you just have a baby, and everyone's focus has shifted from you to the new life in the house?

Those are a few of the examples that one might use to host their very own pity party. For today, or tomorrow, it is O.K. to host your very own party. You may only host this self-indulgent party for one day! You may not continue one day every week, or one day every month. One day! Sort of like Christmas, or New Years. You get one day. Sure, a lot will lead up to the one day, but you still only get one day! Draw the shades, grab the junk food, watch every stupid television show you can come up with and enjoy your self-pity. After all...tomorrow is another day!

And when tomorrow comes, snap out of it! I mean it. Kick your toe on something to transfer the pain! Take a shower, put on your face, make your bed and snap out of it! Like any great party, if it goes too long, it will just be unpleasant, and no one will know when it is time to leave. Including you, the guest of honor.

Unless you have a serious medical condition, it is you, and you alone that can control your moods, and happiness.

Self-pity is essentially self-focus. We should focus on ourselves when we have a special goal in mind. Perhaps a triathlon, or a PhD, or giving birth to what lay inside you. But when we shut down the world around us because we are too focused on ourselves, self-pity becomes a problem.

Life becomes all about you. That is pretty selfish, considering you share the planet with billions of others.

I met a magnificent lady the other day who was beaming happiness. She had such an energy of happiness, that you could have bottled it! She was older than I, and she was wearing a bright purple tank top with the most colorful leggings. On her left arm, many colorful bracelets, and around her neck, a rainbow colored Star of David. If you were not open to her energy, she might have put you off. Fortunately, my daughter and I were very open to her energy, and in turn we received the most delightful gift of humanity from her.

We were in Los Angeles, waiting in a stand by line to see the wonderful Olivia de Havilland speak. Ms. de Havilland is going to be 90 years young, and it was my daughter Alexandra's greatest wish to see her. The prospects of getting into this special engagement were not good, as the program was sold out. However, we set out on Father's Day to the museum where she would appear and planted ourselves for a seven-hour wait. My husband had graciously allowed the two of us to go, knowing it was the chance of a lifetime for Alexandra. Different ticket agents told us that there was no chance of getting in, and we should just go home. At one point, we actually started home, but stopped and came back. We made it that far; we might as well wait.

Finally, an official standby line was formed, and we were the very first in line! We were thrilled and felt that much closer to fulfilling Alexandra's dream. Just behind us was this lovely lady. A ball of energy with a smile to light up the sky. We spoke with her as we waited, and as people with actual tickets arrived, she seemed to know anyone and everyone. She greeted one friend after another with big kisses, and genuine hugs. Soon it became her mission, to find us tickets. So...in and out of line she would go. Weaving through crowds. She would come back gleeful each time she found an extra ticket. First Alexandra, then hers, and then finally mine! She left us, as she went on to meet her friends already waiting in line, and she told us she would try to save us a seat. She knew we were way at the back of the line, and that we would have to take whatever seat(s) was available once inside the theatre. When we stepped foot inside, Alexandra wanted to try for the front row. Now mind you, we were to see "The Heiress" immediately following Ms. de Havilland, and the front row is not the best spot to see a movie! It is though, the prime spot to see the guest of honor! So as Alexandra was looking for a spot when we hear "Ali, Ali, Ali...over here"! And there she was... our lovely new friend. She saved two front row center seats just for us! She had asked her friend if it were O.K., to give us the two remaining seats in the front row, and he an award winning filmmaker sat one row back to accommodate her request.

What makes this story special? There are eccentric people all over Los Angeles. What was special, was this lovely lady just found out that she is to lose her job after eight years. She works in a specialized part of the vast entertainment field, and jobs are not easy to find. The fact that she reached outside of her own self to help a young girl fulfill a dream was amazing! She introduced Ali to one of her dear friends, a filmmaker! Instead of blowing Alexandra off, he took a genuine interest in her, and her love of classic films. Well spoken, and well educated, this gentleman was not in the least bit aloof or put off by our presence. In fact he was thrilled to share the evening with us.

By opening ourselves to the environment, we enjoyed one of the best days of our lives as mother and daughter. We had another lady behind us, who was gainfully employed by Fox, and she was as angry as they come. There was no specific reason for her anger. She was just plain bitter. She was not in the least bit pleasant, and although she spoke with us, her bitterness came across, and it was not nearly as fun as our new best friend!

When we were seated, I asked our new friend, why if she has just lost her job, is she so ebullient? And she replied simply. "Well, it is bad... but not as bad as one of my friends who lives in her car. Or my boss who is also getting fired after three times as many years of service. That is bad. It is hard for me to pay my bills, but I have a boyfriend of thirty years, and a roof over my head. I will find a job". She went on to tell us that she always thought she would have more at this stage of her life. But she doesn't, and she wasn't going to let it get to her! I am sure when her desk is cleared, she will feel sad, and perhaps a bit scared. She may even allow herself a day for her own special pity party. But, not on that Sunday. On that day, she was choosing happiness! I am certain her colorful outfit helped!

When your pity party is over, step outside of yourself and choose happiness as our new friend did. Take it one step further, and pass it on! Teach your child to choose happiness. On this day, Alexandra was given many gifts. It cost me very little in the way of money. A little more in the way of time, but in my child's lifetime of memories, the gift was priceless!

Happy Parenting!